The fact is that I haven't missed out on it yet. He is still in my life. Mr.NattyLight. We met unconventionally, and I was completely in awe when I met him in the McDonald's parking lot in South Carolina. Months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said No....on more than one occasion. We lived hours apart from each other...really a long distance relationship? We talked about me moving to south Georgia to be closer to him, and to try to figure out how to make this work. I chose to stay in Atlanta. And actually, moved back to Minnesota at the beginning of the year. I don't regret those decisions. This is what I need to do for me right now.
So on Thursday, I was overcome and overwhelmed with fear that my one word answer of "No" to his serious question about being his girlfriend was the one thing in my life that I might regret. Now, understand this... I don't even regret getting divorced or anything surrounding that situation. Nothing.
But this....this I can't seem to shake. What if I missed my chance and am not going to get another one? Oh my gosh... all of these what ifs?? I don't think like this. I don't ask questions like that. I just don't. For some reason though, right now I am. Yes, we live 1000 miles apart and Mr.NattyLight has assured me of a lot of things. I haven't missed my chance..if I did he wouldn't be in my life anymore right? I don't regret saying No to him. I regret not giving it a fair chance. I love this man. So why didn't I say Yes? My answer was very selfish and reactive. I had just moved to Atlanta, wanted to have the best of both worlds, and was not ready to be in a long-distance committed relationship. Now though? Committed relationship - Yes? Long-Distance - Yes, but not permanently. Mr.NattyLight and I have been doing this for a year now. We're getting pretty good at it...but to wake up and see him everyday would be incredible. I want this to work.
I was listening to a song today by Lady Antebellum - There is more to the song and that would be my dream life, which isn't without reach, but these words said everything to me today.
Mama said home is where the heart is
When I left that town
I made it all the way to West Virginia
And that's where my heart found
Exactly where I'm supposed to be
It didn't take much time
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line
It's just south of the Mason Dixon line
If I missed my chance I will be devastated. I'm not sure if the devastation will be from regret or this ending. I'm not even sure how he feels about that. Nobody likes rejection. We were put into each others life for a reason, and have separated and came back together again. There are reasons for this, I just don't know what they are and I am okay with that right now. This isn't going to last forever this way - me in Minnesota and him in South Carolina. A decision has to be made and it will be in time. But for right now, I will wait because I don't want to give up. I want this to work. I want a reason to keep fighting for this. I don't want to regret saying that one word. That one word from 6 months ago could cause this fail. It could mean that I missed my chance at something really good. So, for now, I'll wait and wonder and comtemplate and fight.
~Northern Star
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