Not this again

The other night my sister and I got into a fight. Again. This happens over and over...and over again. 100% of the fights occur when alcohol is involved and it's nearing bar close. I love my sister dearly, and wouldn't change anything in our relationship if my life depended on it. She is my baby sister. 5 years younger, and sometimes wiser than me. Lately though, it seems that we can't get along when we go out together. Friday was one of the worst. Things have seemed to go down hill since my return from Georgia. When I first got back we got into a fight, that got physical (first time for everything, I guess) and just ended in a screaming match with friends taking sides. This time, I thought she was joking around with her comment. Apparently not, and my response was not what she wanted to hear. Needless to say, what started as a wonderful time celebrating a friends birthday at a bowling alley, ended in yet another screaming match...in the middle of the bowling alley....with people staring. Oh yeah, and I was sober. It was embarrassing and humiliating. Shouting, crying, and people staring. I was making new friends, and her friends were comparing her to me and saying that she should be more like me. I'm almost positive it's more than that but have yet to figure out those reasons.

Mean words were said. Unfortunately. This isn't the first time it's happened. Again unfortunate. We are sisters, we shouldn't fight like that. I feel like there is some deep, dark reason why she is so angry with me. Because I think, a lot, these days...I know that some of it is still because of our Dad passing, my divorce, and then my moving to Georgia. Maybe I abandoned her. I'm just confused and not really understanding why we have to fight...and why these issues from the past keep coming up.

Now...my sister is AMAZING. She is young, educated, has a good job, has her own car and apartment, a solid social life, and a great group of friends. I have no idea why anyone would ever compare her to me. I'm divorced, still figuring out my life, rebuilding a social life, and have a very select tiny group of friends. I am finding myself - again - and rebuilding again after moving back to Minnesota. Thinking I was going to be in Georgia for the long haul...I am back again and trying to piece it all together. Honestly wondering if I'm trying to hard.

Needless to say, I think that my sisters friends are complete douchetards if they want her to be anything like me. Sure, I'm fun. 2% of the time. I'm trying my best to meet new people and to develop this thing they call a social circle...and frankly it fucking sucks. I love meeting new people, don't get me wrong, but I'm only wanting to keep the right people and good people around for good. And, just because I befriend a group of guys DOES NOT MEAN I AM GOING TO GO HOME WITH ONE OF THEM. It appears that my past is still haunting me. Because heaven forbid people fucking let go of shit.

So with all this being said, I have decided to become anti-social. The fact that hanging out with my sister always leads to a fight these days is incredibly disheartening. I had thought that things had changed, but I guess not. Our other sister asked me If I thought things had changed? I honestly did, but didn't realize that they were probably like this before I moved. Although I feel they have come worse. I want my sisters in my life, but don't want the drama. So I guess we will all just take a break.

I had high hopes of moving home to a place that I thought was happier, healthier, and on the right track towards healing our hurt and mending broken souls, as left me with no hope. No hope that anyone will ever more forward or past the things that have happened. My hope is in shambles and controlling it isn't an option.  My world has to crash. This is a hard-impact, drawn-out, slow-motion crash.

** Northern Star **