A Meaningful Life

Messy Soul

Signs

Often times I find myself contemplating the universe and what is in store for my future. I've always been a believer in signs and a higher power, and up until this past year typically just blew them off. Now though, there have been more and more signs that I've started to really wonder about and try to figure out why they are happening. In doing some research I found this great article and it really resonated with me and helped me get a grasp on some things. My favorite part: 

"Many times people don’t follow their hearts because oftentimes the guidance don’t make sense to the mind and the heart can’t be understood by the mind/logic, and that creates fear within the individual so they don’t go there.

It takes practice and trust to learn to discern with the heart, and to go where you don’t see the next step takes courage, but that’s where our real life is – where the heart leads us.

The mind is not a good leader as it’s driven by fear basically; fear of loosing something or fear of not getting something.

The heart wisdom simply says “go there, do that, call her, don’t talk to him” and so on and your role in this is to not ask “why?” because Truth never explains itself.

You only need to trust it." 

We don't follow our hearts because we are scared and the mind usually always wins the battle with it's logic. If I had followed my heart I would be living in the south. Maybe alone, but hopefully with a certain someone. My biggest sign this past year has always been from one person. I've been going on more dates and trying to meet more people in hopes of finding someone to spend my life with. Without fail, when things are headed in the right direction with a new person, one person calls. A call that flips my world on its axis again. And as always, I'm left to put myself back together again and wonder if what was said was real or just lies. 

I've thought to myself that the universe is sending some signal to him that I'm dating and having a good time, which results in a call or text or some sort of contact. How else could he possibly know? Hw could he know what I am up to 1000 miles away and we never talk? And literally, the guy that I was going on dates with just disappears. Every damn time. It's sabotage by the universe. I had a thought the other day that this keeps happening because I am not truly over him. It's unfinished business. If you've read any of the other blogs you know this would be my one regret in life. 

I honesty thought I was over him, this last time, and then the message came that there was a good possibility of us seeing each other very soon. It didn't happen, and once again we aren't talking and I'm stuck wondering why he puts me through this and why I let it happen. So back to the signs it is. Trusting something that feels every bit right in your heart and every bit wrong in your mind is pretty much impossible. A battle in every sense of the word. 

If I were to take the advice in this article and be fully open to the signs, I'd find a way to make what my heart wants become a reality. However, it will take the participation of the other person to make that happen and that isn't looking very promising. So, I'll keep going on with life as is. Energy wasted or not I know that what's meant to happen will happen. When the time is right. I'll be patient, have faith and trust that my journey will ultimately lead me to where I'm supposed to be. 

Enjoy the article! 

~Northern Star~

http://www.thehealersjournal.com/2013/07/07/how-to-recognize-and-read-signs-from-the-universe/

Run Wild With Me

What you thought was real..

Maybe it was real. 

For a short period. 

But trust me, 

Letting go is good. 

Better than good. 

It's liberating. 

Freeing. 

Invigorating. 

Opens up new possibilities. 

Letting go makes you brave. 

Hard, yes, but in the best possible way. 

~Northern Star 

Making Peace

Making peace is hard. Thinking that what you had with someone was special, and going to be your future, and then BAM it's done. I've made my peace though, and yesterday that was clarified. 

You see, it's been a month since we talked. Not the first time that has happened in the time that we have known each other. But this time was different. In the past, I would wait because I knew that you would come back. The fling that you thought was amazing would end and I would be there waiting. THANK GOD THAT HAS ENDED. 

Trying to make contact after a month is hard...and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit happy when you did. Even though I miss you, it took one sentence to make me realize that I don't need you. I don't need you or the drama or the never-ending circle roller-coaster that we were riding for so long. 

I've been ejected from the ride and am okay with it. My soul is better now, lighter and more free, because you aren't holding it down with empty promises of a future. My heart and mind are no longer conflicting with each other about the right thing to do and when to do it and how to do it. My soul is at peace. 

In my heart you will always have a place, and a piece of my heart you will always have. 

Peacefully ~~ Northern Star 

A Goodbye

To: You

You. You know who you are. You're more than aware that this is for you. I've been wanting to do this for quite some time, but it never really felt right until now. There was always a glimpse of hope that this was all going to work out for the best, that the happily ever after was at the end of the tunnel. But, it wasn't. In any case, this isn't for you... if you read it great, it not that's just as well. This is for me. My closure. My goodbye. My taking back everything that I gave you. 

I know that I will forever be thankful that we met. You were any important part of my journey in life. An important part of who I have become in these past two years. I will never forget the day we met. You know that one summer love, that you had thought was going to have staying potential, but it turns out it didn't. 

March 2012. May 2012. ----- September 2013. Nice timeline. Memories. Lessons learned. You taught me a lot in this time. Honestly, some of the most random things and some really important things. You taught me that I could love again. Heartbroken more than once, I guess my love made me hopeful. I was hopeful. Up until today, I was still hanging on. 

Hanging on because I had finally made up my mind. Drop everything and go. I had made up my mind. I was going to tell you the next time we talked. That time never came. It's been 21 days. And it will never happen. It's done. 

The goodbye is usually the hardest part. I've said "goodbye" so many times with you and up until now they never felt real or right. Never felt like the right time. I was always going to be there when you were ready to come back, and I was. On more than one occasion. 

The time we spent together, it was good, really good in fact. I'm thankful for it. You'll always have a piece of my heart. We'll always have that one summer and then some. But now it's time to let you go. To free myself from you. To tell you thank you. To tell you that I loved you. To tell you goodbye. 

Goodbye........

From...... Me 

~Northern Star~

Conflicted

I've been been feeling very conflicted lately regarding what my purpose is supposed to be in life. I never thought that I would be going through this battle again with what to do with my life. A few years ago when my ex-husband and I separated I thought I knew what I wanted. Two years ago when I moved to Georgia I knew that was exactly what I wanted and needed at that point in my life. There was no doubt in my mind that I HAD to go to the South. Moving back to Minnesota, well I've beat that topic to a pulp. Now, being back home almost one year, I'm wanting more.

I haven't been completely content for a while, and I do believe that it is starting to take a toll on me presently and the relationships that I have with people. Trying so hard to live in the moment and accept that everything happens when it is supposed to and for a reason is what I have always believed in. Lately though, I'm failing even at that. Failing at something that I was so good at...making the best out of any situation, and being happy in that moment. 

I've become more reliant on my Faith and God, with hopes that if I'm patient enough things will fall into place. Recently starting to volunteer at my church, and feeling the need to do much more and become more connected, so I'm doing it. At the same time, my heart keeps screaming at me to get out of Minnesota. That this still isn't the right place for you. That there is somewhere else that you be long. 

So my soul is conflicted, battling itself. Wanting to become more connected, but wanting to be so far away at the same time. I'm just not understanding what my soul and heart is in search for. Something bigger, something better, but what and where? How long will I have to wait for it? How long will I wait for it before I just make a decision and go with it? Will I be happy with the decision? 

If I we're to answer that question now, I would say no. I wouldn't be happy with the decision. I wouldn't. I know myself well enough to know that. 

As far as moving is concerned, Atlanta is always an option. My pull towards the South is stronger than ever, and my gypsy soul will never be full satisfied........ 

☆Northern Star ★ 

An Attempt At Goodbye

To:

All the words are in my mind, but I can't seem to put them onto paper.....

From:

~Northern Star

Hashtag Let's Get Weird

Happy Friday Y'all

#letsgetweird#

~Northern Star

will i ever get over you?

i am almost positive that i never will. 

just when i think i am ready to say goodbye something changes my mind. 

we both have said goodbye before. 

but never permanently. 

that has been the hardest part. 

knowing that you will come back. 

knowing that i will be there waiting. 

nothing we ever do is good enough. 

never solidifying a decision. 

never making a plan. 

always hanging on to something. 

waiting for the other to make the big move. 

getting hopes up only to be let down. 

wishing that it were easier. 

but the only thing that has come easy is the love. 

the rest is a battle. 

i will be in the battle for a long time. 

until the time comes to walk away. 

when one more heartbreak happens. 

that is when goodbye will happen. 

but goodbye is just goodbye. 

i will move on with life. 

i will never get over you. 

~~Northern Star~~ 

My first official music review!

Hey y'all -- I hope the weekend wasn't as rough on you as it was me...but no worries I'm fully recovered! I wanted to share some awesome news and great music with y'all so let's get this party started!!

Last week I posted a tweet about new country music artists getting headline tours after having only 2 singles out - which I think is absurd. I love music..all types..and especially new artists. I don't think that 2 singles and an EP, with a full album scheduled to be released, warrant a headlining tour. I don't even think one full length studio album should get you a headlining tour (but that is my opinion).

Said tweet was favorited, and I was invited to listen to and write a review on Doug Ratner & The Watchmen, or DRAW, and their 3rd studio release titled "Run With Me."  In all honesty, I was probably way too excited... but that is how much I love new music and artists! Now based purely on his Twitter profile I was expecting a good mixture of country and rock n roll, Doug describes the music as "country fried rock n roll." I'm much more of a country girl than anything else...but I would compare his sound to that of Weezer, Green Day, and Sublime - maybe all of the mixed together. However, with the way music trends are currently, DRAW could end up being a marvelous cross-over artist playing in a variety of genres.

The album, which is still in production, was what one would expect after doing more research on Doug and the band. http://dougratner.com/about/doug-ratner/ Self-described as a "wacky guy," the album is no doubt a direct reflection of his personality. Check out his other band mates bios too - they seem like a rad bunch of dudes!

The song If You Wanna (which I have included the tour version YouTube video for) was by far my favorite on the album. It has a catchy beat and great chorus..and the video solidified my feelings for the song, it's just a feel good sing out loud song. You know there is always one song of any album that just sticks out - well this was it for me!

Nowhere To Hide was also one of my favorites, there is a sweet guitar solo about 3/4 of the way into the song. It made me want to bust out my old guitar hero guitar and jam out. BUT I was driving, so I had to settle for some badass air guitar moments instead.

Red Jeans is another song that should tell you more about Doug and his clothing preferences! Talking about men and their clothing styles - while most are sporting khakis and suits, he's rocking his red jeans and cowboy boots! I LOVE IT!

Music aside, Doug is a pretty interesting and incredible character. My opinion is based only on their website and music, but when someone is as passionate about music, and life in general, as Doug and the band are it shows. Seriously, read some of his tweets @dougratner ...or posts to his website http://dougratner.com/band-news/

Okay so here are some links so that you can check 'em out   -

www.dougratner.com 

www.facebook.com/dougratnerandthewatchmen

https://twitter.com/dougratner

http://www.youtube.com/user/dougratner
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/lessons-well-learned-ep/id510029791?ign-mpt=uo%3D4

And Now - WATCH THE VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks y'all - have a wonderful week and enjoy some new music! ~~Northern Star 

Drunk Last Night (part 2)

Hey Y'all... 

So I'm posted the lyrics of Drunk Last Night,  in part because I absolutely love this song and love Eli Young Band, but mainly for what is about to be told in this blog. If you haven't heard of Eli Young Band you def need to check them out... they are amazing! I have been looking forward to this song coming out for so so long that I had it on repeat for an entire day when it first came out. 

This song, not only speaks to us and me on a personal level, it tells a story about who some of us really are. For me, this has become somewhat of a familiar pattern in my life. I have begun to realize that I learn a lot more about a person when they are drinking, and especially when they call late at night at are drunk. Speaking from past and current experience, I can say that it is something I am all too familiar with and quite frankly don't appreciate. 

False hope, fake promises, a life that may or may not be possible.... All things that are said, and might even be genuinely meant by the person saying such things. Saying things when you are drunk that you can't say when are sober. We've all been there, and we've all done it, and we've all had those mornings when we can't remember what happened the night before. I'm the first to admit that black out drunk WAS my favorite past time. I have said and done plenty of things that I don't remember. BUT, I am well beyond that phase in my life. And in all reality, I'd rather have a grown-up conversation about the situation than to have a drunken conversation and a completely different sober conversation. 

I believe that we speak our mind more freely when we are under the influence, maybe because our minds are impaired or because we are feeling less shy and more willing to speak the truth without any regard for the consequence. Not thinking what the other person is going to feel, or how they will react. 

In the song it says "I swear it's the last time every time" .... when is the last time? When does it finally happen? When both sides are ready for it to happen? When fate is ready for it to happen? What if it doesn't happen? 

Reality is tough to face when someone is even the slightest bit closed off. To get the truth out, to make plans, to discuss rather than have a one-sided conversation.... but in the end it's all supposed to work out right? We each have a life plan and map and are all just on our merry way through this game called life, hoping that we get the right card or make the right decision to move forward one space instead of back two. 

Please do check out the song and the band... they are pretty great and will put a smile on your face and hopefully make you wanna have a little singing and dancing party!!! 

Love y'all ~~ Northern Star 

Drunk Last Night (part 1)

I got a little drunk last night There's something 'bout a midnight rain.                                             

Staring at the ceiling fan I couldn't get you off my brain.                                                                  

I guess I wasn't thinking straight I couldn't tell wrong from right

I went ahead and called you up I got a little drunk last night                                

I brought it all up, got it all out               What is it worth, to both of us now                                    

It's off my chest, but never off my mind      

Two drinks in, keep that hurt,You feel bad, and I feel worse  

I swear it's the last the last time every time                             Don't know why                                                                                                                           

Might've been a song on the radio 

Might've been nothing, baby I don't known.                          

Might've been a little too tired to fight                                            

Might've been I got a little drunk last night 

I got a little too far gone I was talking way too loud                                                                                 

I don't remember what I said I just remember breaking down

I brought it all up, got it all out              What is it worth, to both of us now                                   It's off my chest, but never off my mind      

Two drinks in, keep that hurt,You feel bad, and I feel worse  

I swear it's the last the last time every time                            Don't know why

Might've been a song on the radio

Might've been nothing, baby I don't know

Might've been a girl who looked like you

Might've been a fluke, might've been a full moon

Might've been a little too tired to fight

Might've been I got a little drunk

I brought it all up, got it all out               What is it worth, to both of us now

It's off my chest, but never off my mind

Two drinks in, keep that hurt,You feel bad, and I feel worse

I swear it's the last the last time every time

I got a little drunk last night          I got a little drunk last night

Thought I could keep it all inside      

But I got a little drunk last

~~Northern Star ~~

True...

This.

~ Northern Star

Awkward .... Me?

~ Northern Star ~ 

A love story

~ Northern Star ~ 

Funny How A Melody...

Sounds like a memory.

Isn't it though? Music has such an unreal way of getting into our mind, or souls even, and taking us back to places. Places we may or may not want to go to.

Lately, I've noticed that there have been a few select songs that take me to these places.

Good songs and.memories bring such an overwhelming amount of emotion that sometimes I have to pause what I'm doing.

When the bad memories are evoked I find myself changing the station, skipping the song on my iPod, and have even deleted a few from my library.

Good or bad here are a few of my melodies and the memory:

Rhianna - we found love. (Ladies night at Wild Bill's... never fails. I'm always taken back to the dance floor with all my girls dancing like drunken idiots... but living every Damn minute of it) you better believe I jam out every time I hear this song!

Zac Brown Band - whatever it is. (My wedding song) Yup.. it's no longer on my playlist and I change the station if it comes on the radio.

Rascal Flatts - my wish. (This song always brings on an unfathomable amount of emotion. This is the song I danced to with my father at my wedding. I'm taken back to that special moment that him and I shared, and am ALWAYS thankful that he was able to be apart of that chapter of my life) It will remain on my playlists, and I cry like a baby every time it's on.

Jason Aldean - dirt road anthem. (My bestie and blog partner Amanda) No words needed because this is our jam...but only the remix with Ludacris!

Kip Moore - hey pretty girl. (This brings me back to you....to dancing barefoot in the driveway under the starlight, to learning how to 2-step and how patient you were while teaching me, to you singing in my ear, to sitting on the tailgate of your truck with cold cheap beer....to you) This one is hard for me because it's very emotional. There are alot of feelings stirred up when I hear this song. I've cried over it numerous times, even skipped it out changed the station, but have never deleted it. Wishing I could be back there, in your arms, dancing barefoot in a driveway....that's where I end up.... In some daydream that I would give anything to make a reality.

I think about the stars in the sky / Funny how a melody sounds like a memory 

~ Northern Star

Practicality

This is my life. With that one person. That one man. The one I'm overly hopeful for. The one everything comes natural with, but not easy. It's not been convenient or expected, but all of this is what makes our story ours. The obstacles and fight are what make it so great, they're what creates the best part of the love story...the smile, the happiness, the love that was never expected.

A journey....

Alright y'all, I know it's been a long time since either of us has blogged...and truthfully we've both been off doing our own thing for far too long. It's time to bring it back in and focus, because now we both have a things to look forward to.

I've been back in Minnesota now for 7 months, and have been battling myself ever since about where I belong, and where my happiness lies. These past few months have been pretty tough, and I am thankful for all of the people that have come into my life. From new friends, to a stronger relationship with God, to finally spending an entire night with my sisters without fighting, which for those of you that know us is..that's almost impossible. But, I'm becoming more and more aware that my happiness is not here. My heart is not here, and it lies in one place, with one person.

Brief intro over..let's bring it back to where the journey of a twenty-something began. On August 22, 2009...I got married. This year would be our four-year wedding anniversary, however, we decided to part ways and move on with out lives separately after life handed us some shitty cards...

In the Spring of 2010, my Dad was diagnosed with stage-4 carcinoma. Nothing can prepare you for watching your world crumble before your eyes. A rare cancer, one that destroys, attacks and ravages a body and person so quickly is utterly disgusting and traumatizing at the same time. My Dad was my world, my rock, the one person who understood everything, and could put me back in my place just by saying my name. He's the reason that I am who I am today. The past three years have gone way to fast, and there are days that I am still in complete shock that he is no longer here with us. I would give the world to just get advice from him one more time, to just sit and have a beer and bullshit with him again. Yes, I know it's not possible, and I have moved on and processed this, but somethings would just be easier with him here.

In August 2011, my husband and I separated. Much more happened after the death of my father, including the death of another close family member. Needless to say, keeping a marriage together, when you couldn't be there for each other, was incredibly difficult. And this is when my world began to cave in. I moved out of my house and in with my mom. Shortly after that, I moved in with my sister and niece. I was a disaster. Drinking, partying, and making some of the most stupid mistakes I could have made in my entire life. I fucked everything up with school, hurt a lot of people, and just being a total selfish fucktard who didn't give two shits about the people around me.

In January, the divorce papers were filed. In February 2012, I was legally divorced. In May, I bought a one-way ticket to Georgia and got the hell out of Minnesota. I was so excited to be free from everything negative that was bringing me down in Minnesota. My family was such a mess, and still trying to process the death of my father. My friends, although supportive, most didn't understand and only a few supported the move. There were many rumors being spread about me, ranging from being a raging alcoholic to becoming a lesbian. Unreal...but I did find out who my friends are.

Georgia was a needed experience. Not only for my personal growth, but it also taught me a lot about what I am looking for and who I am as a person. I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and wouldn't change anything about living in Georgia. They taught me that it's okay to make mistakes, and there wasn't any judgement about my past. There were a lot of memories made, and some of the best time of my life were had with my small group of southern friends!

In December 2012, I moved back to Minnesota. On an emotional decision. As you're aware, I don't have any regrets in my life. I don't regret moving back to Minnesota either. In fact, I think that moving back has solidified for me that I do not belong here. That I am not truly happy here. I might be selfish for that, since my entire family is here and all of my lifelong friends, but I have learn that looking out for my own happiness is what's important in life. The past 7 months have been great, although I wake up every morning wanting to be back in the South. I know that I will get there one day. Sooner than later.

Always a firm believer, in everything happens for a reason, I know that when the time is right I will make the move back to the South. My heart knows where it belongs, and who it belongs with. It's quite simple actually. Listen to your heart. Such a difficult concept for a small saying. My mind always battles my heart, and my mind used to win. It's too logical for it's own good most days, and just thinks way way too much. For the past year and a half, my heart has known what it's wanted. From that first day. No matter what anyone says, my heart will get what it wants.

The past 4 years have no doubt been filled with more bad than good, but I'm hopeful that things are finally looking towards the good. Now, that my head is out of my ass, and I have stopped acting like a complete douche, I can move forward with what I want in life. I've realized that life is too short to not follow your heart and be happy. I'm finally going to take my own advice and follow my heart. It will be hard, it might fail, but if I don't try I won't know. Letting it slip away again will be a regret I can't live with. I want a simple life. A life that is full of happiness and joy. Where I wake up happy everyday and with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and to have a family with. Just a simple, happy, life.

Have a good night y'all....

~Northern Star ~

'Merica

Hope y'all had a safe and happy independence day! P.S. I love..LOVE fireworks.

~ Northern Star

When the heart wants...

How long do you allow a battle in your heart to go on? My heart wants what it wants... it has for the past year. Everything it's been through, everything it's experienced, all the hurt, all the happiness...it still wants one thing. One person.

Is it possible to give the heart what it wants? I think so... but it's not going to be easy.

~~ Northern Star

I don't want to......

What happens when someone comes in and out of your life numerous times? I've been going back and forth with this for too damn long, and am still so hopeful that we will get our time to make it all right.

I don't want to be the girl that reads into everything.

I don't want to be the girl that gets played for a fool again.

I don't want to be the girl that you can keep going back to ...
When it doesn't work with someone else....
Because you know I'm going to be here..

Because I'm the hopeful one. I'm the one that's holding onto something that I don't even knows exists.

I'm the one holding it for that one true love.... And at the same point in time, I'm holding out for you. I'm not ready to move on, or forward, but maybe I would be eventually.

I just don't want to be the second choice.

°° Northern Star **

Heartache

I wonder why we always put ourselves in certain situations, with certain people, doing certain things. I have had my fair share of heartache, and have pretty much been to rock bottom and back more times that someone my age should even have the opportunity to. 

A few weeks back, I thought, for a good 24 hours, that maybe something was finally going to go right. I've been asked not to blog about this person, but I don't really care, I will just omit the lovely nickname. Trying to make life decisions long-distance is hard. You think you make a good call, and are making decisions towards the right thing but then SMACK just like that you are rejected via a very popular social media site. Wow. Seriously, what kind of person does that? Oh yeah. I know the kind..all too well. 

Truthfully though, even with that happening, I still think about him. Everyday. It sucks...my heart misses him, but my brain knows better. And I thought that not after not having contact for a few weeks, I would be fine and starting to let this go. That's a lie. Getting a message today, made me smile. Made my heart happy. Made my brain say Ryanne...don't fall for this shit again. 

Now I'm in this weird state-of-mind, wondering what is going through his head. Wondering why he made contact... most likely because he is single again. Yes, actually I'm 100% sure that's why. I'm the girl that is always there. The girl that can't let go. The girl that has always said "it's a strong possibility he's number 5." How many times do you let your heart be jerked around and trampled on before enough is enough. I told myself, and friends, that this was the last straw. If he can't come to Minnesota, then we have to be over... no more bullshit, no more dragging this out. 

Well unfortunately, for me, my heart won't let me let go. Like it's just hopelessly waiting for this magical moment when it all clicks and falls into place and the puzzle is complete. 

My heart is not smart. It falls in love with everyone.... but this love is different. 

But, Is it love?  

~~Love from Midwest - Northern Star

I am Enough

Just a little inspiration for all the ladies today! 

Sending my love from the North
~northern star

Dating. A horrible thing

Dating. I am 27...almost 28 and dating. Well I guess not really dating but we will get to that in a little bit. So dating is this difficult, weird, awkward fun but not fun thing that 20 somethings are supposed to do. Well, let me tell you it sucks. Mostly for me because I am not easily captured...or maybe I don't want to be? That's the question.

Back story: I've been single for almost two years now. I had a wild crazy fun year in Georgia...didn't "date," just had a lot of fun being single and in a completely new environment. Now, back in Minnesota, I'm beginning to realize that I am not getting any younger.. would like to have kids one day, a good hearted man to come home to, and to be that someone for someone else. I'll have my fairy tale one day. No doubt about it. However, I'm not sure if I want all of it now..or just when I get lonely or what the deal is. I enjoy being single, doing what I want whenever I want, meeting new people, flirting, and asking a random guy at the gym out for a drink when I feel like it (he had a girlfriend...go figure it's how my life works.)

More seriously, I have contemplated this whole concept of dating for a while. Self-help books have been involved, God and prayer have been involved, lengthy conversations with my best friends have been involved but with no end result except for this one thing. Mr.NattyLight.

Mr.NattyLight is always on my mind. When I first moved back to Minnesota, I reconnected with someone from right after I was separated to catch up and see where things were at. We had a great time, good conversation and I was geniuinly happy to see him. After, I sat in the parking lot, in my car and all I wanted was to be with Mr.NattyLight.

Next...a coffee date with an engineer. Nice guy and it went well, but I was clearly going to be way too much for him to handle. Never talked again. On my way to meet him I saw a license plate with Mr.NattyLight's name. (Yes, I believe in signs get over it.)

Was supposed to go on a date this past Sunday night. He couldn't make a decision as to what to do..I got bored and said we should just try for another time. Haven't heard from him since...yeah it's only Monday but whatever. Honestly, this happens more times than not. I just can't seem to find anyone to keep my attention long enough.

Needless to say, I might be my own cockblocker, actually I am positive that I am. Simply for the fact that my fairytale could very well be living 1000 miles away, in lowcountry South Carolina. As much as I want him to not be on my mind all the time, he is. Being far away is hard. The unknown is worse. The waiting for something and someone to finally give in and make something happen is even worse. I'm not going to lie.. he's a total ass sometimes, we bicker all the time, but he teaches me something new every time we talk, lets me sing loud in his truck, took me down a Georgia dirt road so I could see the cotton fields and take pictures of the sunset, AND...and even took me to the Wal-Mart to people watch. Pretty sure this man knows me better than I know myself. But does he love me like I love him? It's possible. We might just both be too stubborn for each other. If you have ever seen the move The Notebook.. I would relate our relationship to Noah and Allie.

Dating is weird. It's weird because you don't want to meet someone in the bar, online dating is sketchy as fuck, people try to set you up but they never pan out, and asking gym employees out gets you a big fat rejection. There are rules and regulations, and every person in their twenties needs some sort of manual for dating. Do you text or not text? Call or not call? How long do you talk before you meet? How to prevent a catfish scenario. What questions do you ask on a date? How to turn a first date into a second date. OH MY GOODNESS.... it's so overwhelming. At least in high school there are people all around and you get to know them in a social, non-alcohol induced environment. Real world dating sucks. Straight up sucks.

At the end of the day all anyone wants is to be with someone who makes them a better person. Someone they can take care, someone who will take care of them and who will be there for them. Someone to kiss them on the forehead, and hold hands with while walking down the sidewalk or beach (mostly for me so I don't run into a random tree or bush..I'm a safety hazard) someone to lie next to in bed and stay up all night talking about nonsense or dreaming up the future. Someone to proud of and show off and say that they are yours and you couldn't be happier....

All of that is a lot. A lot to look for in someone. Everything in my gut and heart tells me that I have found that. My brain...my logical, over thinking brain tells me that I can't give into it that easy. I'm just asking for some effort. I want you to want me so bad that it hurts. That living without me would be that hard that you can't and won't do it. I've lost enough in life to know that settling is not an option. I won't go down without a fight and I want to be fought for. Regardless of who is or isn't doing the fighting, Mr.NattyLight is the last and first person I think of pretty much everyday.

So back to this dating thing....


~Northern Star

Failed attempt # 1

A letter to Mr.NattyLight... He's been on my mind hard lately. This letter has been wanting to get into paper for a while now... But there is So much on my mind combined with my toddler attention span and anxiety... It's a fucking disaster.. So this is failed attempt number One.

Feelings are hard to express when you have so many. So I'll make another attempt at the letter another time.

Love y'all ~~Northern Star

Wordy

I have no time and so many blogs on my mind. There will be a blog overload happening tonight. My life, more life, gym hottie(s), my sisters, MrNattyLight, my impending reunion with Southern Belle, the south, the north.. oh the blog world will erupt with tons of blog sparkles.... Oh the sparkles. But in the mean time here is my City
And crazy bread.. I love the shit out if crazy bread.

Love y'all... It's Spring. Embrace the flip flops and Sperry's!!
~~Northern Star

MIA

We've been in hiding for a minute thought I would take a moment to check in. Big things are coming... Oh. Big. Things. Also northern star and I will be reunited soon!!!! What?!?

Pure Boredom

Unicorns for President. Brilliant.

The world be all Rainbows and Butterflies. Sparkles would be the only form of precipitation. I think munchkins would be on her staff and There may or may not be leprechauns and oompa loompas in the Glittery Unicorn White House...or would she rule the land from a magical forest overflowing with mossy trees and long dirt roads?!

Love y'all ... Northern Star

College Life rated PG-13

No words needed. Enjoy.

**Northern Star**

My City. So Pretty

Just something for someone to experience. I live in a seriously beautiful city. Yeah it's cold as shit here but I secretly like it! And who wouldn't want to look at this glorious view everyday?!

Smile....it's a voluntary muscle movement that you CAN control!!

Love y'all **Norththern Star

Step by step

Thought I'd share with you my thoughts for the day. I feel like if we focus on the now it allows us to fully enjoy the things that are going on around us and the company we surround ourselves with. So today especially... Have an extra glass of wine, listen to the most obnoxious embarrassing song you hate to love, watch some trash tv, TREAT YOURSELF.

HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE!

Not this again

The other night my sister and I got into a fight. Again. This happens over and over...and over again. 100% of the fights occur when alcohol is involved and it's nearing bar close. I love my sister dearly, and wouldn't change anything in our relationship if my life depended on it. She is my baby sister. 5 years younger, and sometimes wiser than me. Lately though, it seems that we can't get along when we go out together. Friday was one of the worst. Things have seemed to go down hill since my return from Georgia. When I first got back we got into a fight, that got physical (first time for everything, I guess) and just ended in a screaming match with friends taking sides. This time, I thought she was joking around with her comment. Apparently not, and my response was not what she wanted to hear. Needless to say, what started as a wonderful time celebrating a friends birthday at a bowling alley, ended in yet another screaming match...in the middle of the bowling alley....with people staring. Oh yeah, and I was sober. It was embarrassing and humiliating. Shouting, crying, and people staring. I was making new friends, and her friends were comparing her to me and saying that she should be more like me. I'm almost positive it's more than that but have yet to figure out those reasons.

Mean words were said. Unfortunately. This isn't the first time it's happened. Again unfortunate. We are sisters, we shouldn't fight like that. I feel like there is some deep, dark reason why she is so angry with me. Because I think, a lot, these days...I know that some of it is still because of our Dad passing, my divorce, and then my moving to Georgia. Maybe I abandoned her. I'm just confused and not really understanding why we have to fight...and why these issues from the past keep coming up.

Now...my sister is AMAZING. She is young, educated, has a good job, has her own car and apartment, a solid social life, and a great group of friends. I have no idea why anyone would ever compare her to me. I'm divorced, still figuring out my life, rebuilding a social life, and have a very select tiny group of friends. I am finding myself - again - and rebuilding again after moving back to Minnesota. Thinking I was going to be in Georgia for the long haul...I am back again and trying to piece it all together. Honestly wondering if I'm trying to hard.

Needless to say, I think that my sisters friends are complete douchetards if they want her to be anything like me. Sure, I'm fun. 2% of the time. I'm trying my best to meet new people and to develop this thing they call a social circle...and frankly it fucking sucks. I love meeting new people, don't get me wrong, but I'm only wanting to keep the right people and good people around for good. And, just because I befriend a group of guys DOES NOT MEAN I AM GOING TO GO HOME WITH ONE OF THEM. It appears that my past is still haunting me. Because heaven forbid people fucking let go of shit.

So with all this being said, I have decided to become anti-social. The fact that hanging out with my sister always leads to a fight these days is incredibly disheartening. I had thought that things had changed, but I guess not. Our other sister asked me If I thought things had changed? I honestly did, but didn't realize that they were probably like this before I moved. Although I feel they have come worse. I want my sisters in my life, but don't want the drama. So I guess we will all just take a break.

I had high hopes of moving home to a place that I thought was happier, healthier, and on the right track towards healing our hurt and mending broken souls, as left me with no hope. No hope that anyone will ever more forward or past the things that have happened. My hope is in shambles and controlling it isn't an option.  My world has to crash. This is a hard-impact, drawn-out, slow-motion crash.

** Northern Star **

Revolving door

Northern star and I always talk about the "revolving door. " We feel as if we are stuck in this same merry go round scenario with everything. Home life, work, friends, and of course... MEN.

I was starting to think that the revolving door was just life. Things happen, people happen, some people happen AGAIN... but you pick up and move the hell on.

Well well well...

This weekend I literally found myself in a revolving door with someone who I can't wrap my brain around. I was expecting just to walk in to one of the door chambers and the person I'm with will get into another and away we will go.

Wrong.

We got into the same door and got out at the same time and went the same direction.

I was laughing so hard because of what this symbolized.

But what DOES it symbolize? Besides the fact that my life is in complete disorder and chaos?!

Oh well. One day at a time. That's what i have been focusing on lately and I plan on keeping that up.

Wise words

Profound words today...

~Northern Star

#napkinnotes

All it took was one night...

Napkin notes are a must, in any situation. They make great love notes at the bar to a gorgeous man. They are perfect for emergency contact information as well.

So show your bar napkin and bartender love on a napkin note.

Love y'all
~Northern Star

Sabotage Part 1

This is a two-part blog - mainly because my brain has developed phagocytosis over this blasted thought. *I'm not going to tell you what phagocytosis mean, quit being a lazy douche and look it up*
 
This thought is killing me... I will more in depth on the next blog about the reason behind the thought. But here is my question.....
 
What if I'm the on sabotaging this whole entire thing? Is that possible? Am I reading too much into things? Why am I still hanging on? What am I even hanging on to,  A text, a random phone call once a week, a facebook message? Am I sabotaging myself on purpose? Am I holding on to nothing or something? How long will I do this for? How can I still be doing this?
 

Why the hell am I still doing this, and for what? A chance, hope, love, lust..........

 
Sending some Midwest Love to y'all
~Northern Star
 
PS - just the title alone sounds amazing ::::::::: this was at the top of my draft from Southern Belle - I can promise y'all that part 2 will be amazing ::::: 

Maybe I do like it here

Had a deep conversation with someone last night. Someone who's opinions I deeply value. He and I spoke on why I am still in Georgia and why I should pick up and leave. This morning I woke up to the most beautiful weather and a fabulous mood. Maybe some days I do like it here, but how long will I stay? What will it take to finally make me leave? I'm not quite sure just yet.

One day at a time I suppose.

Today Ill just enjoy this gap in my schedule and this gorgeous spring day in Atlanta. Sitting on the patio at Saba and listening to Lana del Rey and Snow Patrol

Sending you all some (in my best redneck accent) sweet southern comfort!

Xoxo Southern Belle

Baggage

Well now that we have gotten a few issues out of the way i thought i would finally write this post that has been in my draft folder for a week...

Baggage....

Now I'm not talking in the literal sense...

"Oh wow cute Betsy Johnson bag. Is it real or did you find that shit at Ross?"

I'm talking about all that extra emotional bullshit we carry around with us everyday.

ITS EXHAUSTING

We all have it.

and

ME? 

I think I have the most....

This morning I read an article posted by Claudia Black, M.S.W., Ph.D.,

She wrote these questions about baggage....

"What are you carrying? How long have you been carrying them? Who packed the bags? Do these bags still serve their purpose?"

Good Lord! 

If I thought about those too much...

I'd go into a a tail spin

SO....Here is my goal for all of you.... to work together with me on....

LET IT GO.

Take one day at a time. 

YES.

It sucks.

YES.

Its hard.

but,

In the long run it will be easier and you wont stress yourself out so much.

I'm not saying I know I can do this....

BUT you bet your ass I'm going to try my best.

I'M YOUNG, 

Why waste time stressing about little things that don't matter

and 

dwelling on the past 

when you could be enjoying yourself and having fun!

Only bring along a cute bag.... 
NO KNOCK OFFS

*Southern Belle