Unicorns

OH! 

Just to add to my last post....

 UNICORNS DO EXIST... 

Suck it world.
*Southern Belle

A Gift of Pop

As I titled this post I had the intention of it being part of a gift to Northern Star. However I realized it is much more than that.

She is a gift.

This girl has changed my life. Changed my way of thinking. Changed my way of communicating. Changed...Everything. 

She came into my world at a time where I thought I was melting. I never admitted that to even myself at the time. We became friends with just one word.... POP. Only people in the midwest could understand the signifigance this word can be in someones life. Born and raised just south of Atlanta, I should have looked at someone oddly when asked for a POP. Having a mother from Ohio though, I knew instantly what I was being asked for. I fell in love with the fact someone else had said a word that others had looked at me oddly for saying. We had a strange moment of bonding over this simple three letter word, and from then on it was CHAOS.

  

We spent the next six months attached at the hip. If I was there she was there. Neither of us would have it any other way. 

During our time spent together we realized that the two of us have something in common that most people do not. The death of our fathers. Each of our fathers passing was under much different circumstances but left us both feeling the same. Lost, sad, nostalgic, but most importantly it left us feeling STRONGER. Now don't get me wrong, that strength was not immediate. That strength had to be learned over time. 

Anyways this post is not about fathers. TRUST ME, that will come later.

This post is me letting Northern Star know how much she means to me. The gift from her I received in the mail today was beyond perfect. A book which I will read and pass on to someone deserving, (I have just the right person in mind) two CDs, and of course a card that makes me laugh every time i glance at it. 

The words of one song sent me into tears as soon as they were sung by the beautiful Shawna Thompson....

This life would kill me, if I didn't have you.

I know this sound so extreme to some, but to those that know us it probably makes perfect sense. Yes, we have an odd relationship. Yes, we seem like we are the same person. Yes, we act like we can't live without the other. If I am being honest I would have to say in the real world...we would in fact, be able to survive without each other. I can't imagine that ever having to happen though. She and I were placed in each others life for some God only knows reason. Probably to drive my mother mad with worry that we are out with whoever we met at the bar that week, or getting into some crazy drunk sunday-funday mess with our family of beautiful gay men we seem to collect in our life. Either way this girl is my world. My best friend. My sister. 

She has recently moved back to Minnesota for a while. 1100 miles away from here. Here. Atlanta. A place I call her home, despite the constant reminder from the people around me that, "She is from Minnesota, not here. That is her home" I GET IT PEOPLE! But I call bullshit. Home is where happiness lies. We all know she can only be happy if I'm around. :) (Only joking...sorta)

I know she will be back eventually. Every time I become sad that she is away, I'm reminded of her nomadic spirit I admire so much and laugh to myself because there is no way in HELL she is staying in that Arctic tundra. 

So to wrap everything up I thought Id just tell Northern Star a few things....

1. Tea and Quilt mornings are much needed, even if it is over skype.
2. Country music, Summer hits of the 90's and Ke$ha isn't the same without you in the car singing with me
3. Jack and Stella still keep great company
4. I'm becoming way more aggressive towards people without you here to handle situations.
5. Im still wearing my north face and leggings like its appropriate day wear any where I go.

Thank you for my gifts. 

I love you to the country stars and back 

and just know,

You can always come home

Oh and don't worry anyone, we are still causing trouble wherever we go. We just are doing it in more than one state now. Just be lucky you only have to deal with us one at a time for a while. :)

*Southern Belle

You're projecting

Stop trying to control the situation. You can't force something to happen and you can't force someone to do something. Especially if the ball is in their court. Most likely they are scared. This is a life changing decision. So just Stop. Stop projecting what you WANT to happen and what you NEED to happen on them and the situation. Trust. Trust that it will work out. Trust when they tell you to trust. Take a step back, take a deep breath and Trust in the plan of fate and destiny. Just stop projecting and Trust.

~Northern Star

When I'm four

Sitting outside of work reading my beloved copy of "Running with Scissors", I heard a family walk by. Two little girls and a mother. One of the little girls ran ahead and I imagined what she was running after, or away from. I'm sure only something a small child's imagination can bring them.

However, she wasn't the one that caught my eye. Her sister, struggling to keep up with her mother said, "you know, I'll be better when I'm four."

This small three year old said something so wise and she will never understand why. I feel like we as adults say this same thing to ourselves over and over. "I'm young I'll stop acting crazy when I'm older" or "I know I can't pay my rent but I'll just order one more drink and start saving tomorrow."

We are always seeking some kind of justification for the things we know are wrong. I'm guilty of it and so are you.

Do we ever stop? I'm going to think this over. I was just humored by the fact that children and adults are not that different in their way of thinking.

*Southern Belle

The Gays and One Straight Black Man

My Southern Friends. A few of the most amazing people in my life!

~Northern Star

Nomad

First off, I hate being an insomniac. Second, I hate feeling this way. Third, I'm feeling a bit RED so pay attention! http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/red.html

So, Mr.NattyLight asked me today if I was finished moving. Oh, what a complicated question. It really doesn't have to be, it requires a simple yes or no answer. Not for me, because since August 2011 I have moved SEVEN times! It just happens..it's my lifestyle right now.

Truthfully, I haven't found that place that feels just right yet, that place where everything in the world is right. Minnesota will always be my "home" so to speak. It's where I'm from and part of a who I am. BUT, Georgia will also have a special place in my heart and be a different kind of "home."

My nomadic lifestyle has led to this thing some would call commitment issues. Maybe I have commitment issues because, ah who the fuck cares, I just do. I actually have a pretty strong feeling as to why I can't commit and it has to do with one person. That one person that feels like home. But that home is in a perpetual cycle that I have deemed the revolving door.

So moving has become a part of my life. I have been back in Minnesota for two months, and still haven't unpacked even half way. I probably won't. I'm plotting my next escape out of this place. I want to explore the world, but at the same time Do I hope it will be back in the South? You're dame right I do. Do I hope that my revolving door stops revolving and turns into the solid door to my home? Hell yes. Do I think it will happen? No. but I can hope.

~XOXO Northern Star

Enchanted

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place

Walls of insincerity,
Shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?"
Across the room your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

 

~~Northern Star~~

Missing my Southern Belle

 Dang, you better believe our Momma's would be going Kray Kray if we were sisters for real!

 

Miss you Boo!

 

I love you to the country stars and back.

 

~Northern Star

Communication Issues

This sums up the relationship and thinking of me and northern star. 

Its beyond ridiculous and I would have it no other way.

*Southern Belle

Buildings

"I wonder if men can be as strong as the buildings they construct."

I wrote this in my journal about six months ago. I cant remember what was happening around me that made me write it down but reading back over it today it struck a cord with me. 

Ive always been fascinated by the skyscrapers in the city. They are so tall and seemingly indestructible. 

The same is true of the adults that we grow up having around us. We think the same thing. 

As an adult though, we realize that those buildings can be knocked down with a simple blast of TNT. We also see the things that can tear down a human being. 

Drugs

Divorce

Illness

Losing a job

Losing a house

Drama with friends

Bills

Death

All of these things have a greater potential to knock someone down, but they all effect us in some way.

If a building gets destoyed, there are ways to rebuild it. Man does that. The building may even be taller stronger and more beautiful.  However, as humans when something messes up our normal flow of life we have to accept it, learn from it, move on. What is interesting though is most of the time.... we become stronger and more beautiful also. 

So all in all... I still have no clue what the quote meant to me or why it came to me in the first place. Its an interesting thought though. What does it mean to you?

*Southern Belle

In response to INTERNET TABS

I would like to respond to Southern Belle's "Internet Tabs" post. She asks some very specific and deep questions and I am going to answer them the best that I can, because I feel that it is my duty! 

Here is the part of her post that I would like to address: 

Do they have regrets? Do they wish they would have done 

things differently? My best friend seems to change anything 

that might cause her regret. I envy that about her.

If this answer were simple it would never be asked. Regrets are a tricky thing. They cause pain, happiness, guilt, sadness, frustrations, love, joy, and a whirl of a bajillion different emotions. The hard part is how you chose to react. I have chosen to live a life of no regrets because I know that I am responsible to every one of my decisions. How do you regret something that you are ultimately responsible for? Once upon a time, I lived this amazing life with amazing parents, awesome sisters, and a wonderful husband. Literally it was all gone in less than a year. I lost a father, left my husband, and moved 1100 miles away from everything I have ever known. Seriously, I picked a date, quit my jobs, sold all of my belongings (even my car), packed my stuff and moved to Atlanta. I literally had nothing except a few thousand dollars and a one-way ticket to Georgia. SCARY AS FUCK! Want to know what was even more scary? The feeling that I was going to feel if I didn't follow my dreams. Here I was this girl who spent her whole life doing right by everyone, making sure everyone else was happy, and in every sense of the word settling in life. Who the hell wants that for themselves? I sure as hell didn't, especially after the loss of my Dad. My life was completely turned upside down and and I realized that being unhappy just was not going to work for me. One year later, I left my husband (we had been together for 10 years, and were just coming up on our 2 year wedding anniversary), for fear of settling in life.... I ran. These two major life changes are the two things that I am so thankful for. I miss my Dad everyday - but know that he has plans for me, and so does God. Divorce was in my plan, did I know that? No, but I'm okay with that, and what fun would life be if we knew our plan?

Then came Georgia, and this life altering, utterly terrifying journey that I was making all on my own. The first major life decision I had ever made for myself and by myself. BEST. DECISION. EVER. I met the most amazing people, who are now lifelong friends, and made a shit load of bad decisions. But I am 27, single, creating a new me in a world where no one knows a single thing about me or my past...  AND living in HOT-Lanta. You would have done the same, so now judgey eyes!

This is where I met Southern Belle. Her and I have had numerous conversations about life and moving, and we both are in agreement that we were in each other's life plan. She is my best friend soulmate. (Soulmates will be another blog, which we might write together) We have similar backgrounds and are basically the same person except she's ginger and I'm blond - and we grew up on opposite sides of the country. She has talked to me a ton about moving to Denver, or really anywhere for that matter, just to get out an explore. She is young. She is in an industry where jobs are abundant, especially in the right place! She has everything going for - except that she won't take the jump.

I don't wish that I would have done anything in my life different. That's silly talk. And honestly, regretting things is exhausting and a lot of work. At the end of the day, I can say that I have had a good life. Controlling things is a part of human nature, and sometimes we just have to let go as hard as it is. I change something that I might regret because I can. I can control it. I can control who, what, where, when, and why. So can you. If you want to move, move. If you want to get a new job, start fucking looking. If you feel that you have settled..then sit down with your partner and talk it out for Pete's sake. You only get one life. ONE LIFE. How do you want to live it? With or without regrets?

This quote is what I always tell Southern Belle and it's true. I highly encourage anyone who is feeling stuck, unsure, or wavering on any decisions to really step back from your current reality and hell, move if you want to. Go see the world.  Hell, what have you got to lose? So you don't have money, or a job, or a car, or know anyone. That's the point. Start Fresh. Make a new you. Make a better you. A you that you are happy with. Because the secret it that no matter what happens....

You can always go home and

You can always change it again! 

XOXO ~~Northern Star 

Insomniac and a Dream

Being an insomniac sucks. I'm not sure what month it is most of the time, let alone what freaking day it is. Today is a Tuesday - I know this only because my alarm went off at 4:30am and I had a major panic attack that I missed class and work. Whoops! Now y'all have had those days where you wake up panicked, rush to get ready, and then realize you don't have to do what you were getting ready for. THAT'S ME ON THE DAILY! Seriously - my lack of sleep to ability to function ratio would disturb even the most educated sleep specialists and psychologists. I do pretty well on most days, and function on the level as the average American adult does, but when I've finally hit my breaking point of pure exhaustive delirium it's obvious. Mostly I start to ramble and stutter, and the incomplete sentences are bad enough you'd think they are written in hieroglyphics. Oh, and the dreams...the crazy dreams that I have. On a regular night, I don't remember my dreams. When I get to this point they are vivid and my mind cannot separate them reality. Here's one I had recently, plus a little back story:

Mr.NattyLight and I met about one year ago. Shortly after I moved to Georgia (not to be with him, it was just part of my life plan). He and I spent quite a bit of time together, talking, and trying to figure out how to manage this friendship or relationship or whatever kind of future we are going to have long-distance. We talked and still talk about the future quite often but never really settle on anything. It usually ends up a few steps backwards. Then one night......

 

I had a dream. Holy balls did I have a dream. This dream was the most incredible, mind-boggling dream that I'd had in a long time. I woke up the happiest girl in the world y'all until I realized it was a dream. The most perfect Southern/Northern wedding had just happened. Picture this: Big Southern waterfront plantation, moss covered trees everywhere, the weather was sunny and gloriously perfect. Me in my big white dress and cowboy boots. Mr.NattyLight so dapper and handsome in his tux. All of our friends and family were there and the could not have been more perfect. This dream felt like it went on forever and was never going to end. The perfect vows, the perfect first dance, the perfect music, country stars twinkling in the Southern sky after the most perfect Sunset over the water. And we sailed off into a dream life of being happily ever after.

THEN - I wake up. And literally had to lay in bed for an hour to figure out what the fuck had just happened. I had just moved back to Minnesota from Georgia so was still trying to adjust from that so this confused the living hell out of me. Yeah, I'm crazy - I'm aware. But I was the happiest damn girl on the planet until an hour later when I realized my dreams wanted to play a cruel joke on me. I called me best friend (Southern Belle) and told her about this - her response "Was I in the wedding?" DUH! So after long days of studying, working, and lack of sleep this is the punishment I get from my mind. Well brain you succeeded in making me look crazier than I already am.

Oh and by the way - that dream will be a reality on day. It may or may not be to Mr.NattyLight, but I hope it is. And hey, a girl can dream right?!?!!

XOXO from the North
~Northern Star

The Palmetto State. Part 1

 

While on my search of peace and happiness, I happened to meet this man. No, I don't think a man is the magical sparkling bedazzled key to my happiness or peace. No, I don't need a man for to be happy either. I happen to live a wonderful life! If you have a magical sparkling bedazzled key, hold it close and don't let go. EVER! But, this man, whom will be called Mr.NattyLight, for the sake of privacy and in all future posts. Who am I kidding?? This is social media - nothing is private!

 

 This man, I would describe as amazing, frustrating, and difficult. The dictionary defines this as: causing great surprise or sudden wonder, to disappoint or thwart, and hard to persuade or induce; stubborn. Thankfully, I don't listen to the dictionary.

 

More on Mr.NattyLight later...

 

But, because I have some manners and found my last year full of beautiful experiences, I will leave you with this picture from The Palmetto State, South Carolina. Yes, this is real. Yes, I took it. Yes, I know where and how to find it again!

 

Sending my love from the North

~Northern Star

 

I'm the girl...

 

 

 

I'm the girl from the Minnesota.
I'm the girl that was born and raised in the great Midwest.
I'm the girl that grew up camping, drinking beer,
I'm the girl that sits around a bonfire in the dead of winter wearing a snowsuit.
I'm the girl that didn't want for nothing.
I'm the girl that has the most amazing niece in the entire universe.
I'm the girl with the best family anyone could ask for (well, most of the time)
I'm the girl that married her high school sweetheart.
I'm the girl whose life fell apart in a two month span.
I'm the girl who lost the one person she could count on in life.
I'm the girl that lost her father.
I'm the girl without a dad....

and so comes the epic failures took me from being "the" girl to being "That" girl. 

I'm that girl whose marriage did not succeed.
I'm that girl that ran away from Minnesota and reality. 
I'm that 27 year old girl stuck in a perpetual mid-life crisis. 
I'm that girl that is on the search for peace and happiness.
I'm that girl that has the world at her fingertips.
I'm that girl that is 27, educated, sweet, educated, employed, and single.
I'm that girl that most girls would kill to be.

So why is being This girl not good enough?

~Northern Star

Northern Life

Northern Life

 

Huh...isn't weather such a weird thing? I live in the, what some people would call magnificent and beautiful, land of 10,000 lakes... also known as MinneSNOWta. (said it my best whining voice wah wah wah.) Don't get me wrong, I love it here. Born and raised a true northerner and Minnesotan. BUT THIS SNOW IS RIDICULOUS. I love the spring, summer, fall, and even winter when it's 40 degrees outside like it was today! The blizzards can go away and stay away. Oh wait... I know just how to make them go away ~~~~~ To Be Continued...............................

~Northern Star

City Dreams

Southern Belle

Internet Tabs (revised)

I always get anxious when I have too many tabs open on my computer. 

Its like I'm committing to too many things at once. I can barely commit to my living arrangements or plans I have with friends tonight

  Commitment.

Such a strange and seemingly distant world. A world of being in the same place for too long, with the same people, with the same life. I wonder if I will ever be able to settle down. Id like to say yes but so far in my life the answer has been no. Yet I'm bad with change. My grandmother moves furniture around in her house and I act as if the whole world is coming to an end.
We get so comfortable in our lives. I am constantly amazed at the people who get married right out of high school and live in the same town they grew up in. Do they have regrets? Do they wish they would have done things differently?

Regrets.

 My best friend seems to change anything that might cause her regret. I envy that about her. I regret everything. No, really...EVERYTHING. I regret choosing to write with a black pen instead of blue, or leaving something in my car and having to walk all the way back (thats just pure laziness though.) Maybe it is what I like to call, "catholic guilt." I blame my mother for that. Its not her fault though. Unintentional on her end. Still whenever I do the littlest thing wrong, I imagine my mothers eyebrow arching in disapproval. 

Maybe that is it! We make decisions based on how we were raised. Good or Bad. Our parents are the ones who were responsible for teaching us right from wrong. As adults we subconciously take that into acount when we are making a descion. Is that what leads to regret?

So how do we do it? How do we live our life with no regret? How do we not settle too early on but also know when it is the right time to commit. Do we pick up and leave our entire life behind when we are unhappy? Or, do we stay and mend the broken pieces? Maybe there is some unknown middle-of-the-road choice instead. Somewhere we we can learn from our mistakes and change from the previous choices we have made. Either way....too many tabs open in my internet causes me much stress.

*Southern Belle

Long nights

Oh just reminiscing on the night I spent on this floor. Thanks fireball.

Southern Belle

Northern Star

Velcro Shoes

My life has been a constant battle of reality and what I create in my mind as reality.

Ever since I was a little girl I would make up stories in my head. Sure…normal for any child right? I mean we all have played pretend as a kid and as adults we fantasize about everything from a better job to wild crazy sex lives…Fifty Shades of Grey style. Me however, I make up stories in my head way better than the ones I live everyday.  I'm pretty sure that is some kind of sick mental disease that would place me in a white jumpsuit, Velcro shoes, and a padded room with bars on the door if I ever admitted it out loud. Actually, who am I to think I'm the only one who thinks the way I do? I mean in the grand scheme of things, with all of the other people in this world, I think that I am the only mentally unstable creature here? That wouldn't be the beginning of my narcissism, or the end for that matter. Ive been characterized as many things in my life; smart, funny, sarcastic, nice, talkative... usual words to describe any girl my age trying to find herself…But what does it say about me, that the words I would use to describe myself are selfish and vain. Now don't get me wrong Ill give you the clothes off of my back or drive 50 miles to come help you at any hour of the night…I even gave a homeless man 5 bucks the other day (that's my good deed for the year) but when it really comes down to it, I put myself first. I  will overdraft my account for a cute new pair of shoes to impress a new guy, before I would use it as gas money to go see my mother? Then after all of that... I would call her and ask if she could buy me groceries for the week because I am trying to "save money for new work tools." Like a new pair of shoes is going to get me man? If a man is worried about my shoes then I need to add him to my fruit fly list, if you know what I mean. So I guess my thought is WHY. Why is it that at the end of the day we don't care who we fuck over as long as we, ourselves are happy?

*Southern Belle