Alright y'all, I know it's been a long time since either of us has blogged...and truthfully we've both been off doing our own thing for far too long. It's time to bring it back in and focus, because now we both have a things to look forward to.
I've been back in Minnesota now for 7 months, and have been battling myself ever since about where I belong, and where my happiness lies. These past few months have been pretty tough, and I am thankful for all of the people that have come into my life. From new friends, to a stronger relationship with God, to finally spending an entire night with my sisters without fighting, which for those of you that know us is..that's almost impossible. But, I'm becoming more and more aware that my happiness is not here. My heart is not here, and it lies in one place, with one person.
Brief intro over..let's bring it back to where the journey of a twenty-something began. On August 22, 2009...I got married. This year would be our four-year wedding anniversary, however, we decided to part ways and move on with out lives separately after life handed us some shitty cards...
In the Spring of 2010, my Dad was diagnosed with stage-4 carcinoma. Nothing can prepare you for watching your world crumble before your eyes. A rare cancer, one that destroys, attacks and ravages a body and person so quickly is utterly disgusting and traumatizing at the same time. My Dad was my world, my rock, the one person who understood everything, and could put me back in my place just by saying my name. He's the reason that I am who I am today. The past three years have gone way to fast, and there are days that I am still in complete shock that he is no longer here with us. I would give the world to just get advice from him one more time, to just sit and have a beer and bullshit with him again. Yes, I know it's not possible, and I have moved on and processed this, but somethings would just be easier with him here.
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In August 2011, my husband and I separated. Much more happened after the death of my father, including the death of another close family member. Needless to say, keeping a marriage together, when you couldn't be there for each other, was incredibly difficult. And this is when my world began to cave in. I moved out of my house and in with my mom. Shortly after that, I moved in with my sister and niece. I was a disaster. Drinking, partying, and making some of the most stupid mistakes I could have made in my entire life. I fucked everything up with school, hurt a lot of people, and just being a total selfish fucktard who didn't give two shits about the people around me.
In January, the divorce papers were filed. In February 2012, I was legally divorced. In May, I bought a one-way ticket to Georgia and got the hell out of Minnesota. I was so excited to be free from everything negative that was bringing me down in Minnesota. My family was such a mess, and still trying to process the death of my father. My friends, although supportive, most didn't understand and only a few supported the move. There were many rumors being spread about me, ranging from being a raging alcoholic to becoming a lesbian. Unreal...but I did find out who my friends are.
Georgia was a needed experience. Not only for my personal growth, but it also taught me a lot about what I am looking for and who I am as a person. I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and wouldn't change anything about living in Georgia. They taught me that it's okay to make mistakes, and there wasn't any judgement about my past. There were a lot of memories made, and some of the best time of my life were had with my small group of southern friends!
In December 2012, I moved back to Minnesota. On an emotional decision. As you're aware, I don't have any regrets in my life. I don't regret moving back to Minnesota either. In fact, I think that moving back has solidified for me that I do not belong here. That I am not truly happy here. I might be selfish for that, since my entire family is here and all of my lifelong friends, but I have learn that looking out for my own happiness is what's important in life. The past 7 months have been great, although I wake up every morning wanting to be back in the South. I know that I will get there one day. Sooner than later.
Always a firm believer, in everything happens for a reason, I know that when the time is right I will make the move back to the South. My heart knows where it belongs, and who it belongs with. It's quite simple actually. Listen to your heart. Such a difficult concept for a small saying. My mind always battles my heart, and my mind used to win. It's too logical for it's own good most days, and just thinks way way too much. For the past year and a half, my heart has known what it's wanted. From that first day. No matter what anyone says, my heart will get what it wants.
The past 4 years have no doubt been filled with more bad than good, but I'm hopeful that things are finally looking towards the good. Now, that my head is out of my ass, and I have stopped acting like a complete douche, I can move forward with what I want in life. I've realized that life is too short to not follow your heart and be happy. I'm finally going to take my own advice and follow my heart. It will be hard, it might fail, but if I don't try I won't know. Letting it slip away again will be a regret I can't live with. I want a simple life. A life that is full of happiness and joy. Where I wake up happy everyday and with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and to have a family with. Just a simple, happy, life.
Have a good night y'all....
~Northern Star ~
