Hope y'all had a safe and happy independence day! P.S. I love..LOVE fireworks.
~ Northern Star
Friday, July 5, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
When the heart wants...
How long do you allow a battle in your heart to go on? My heart wants what it wants... it has for the past year. Everything it's been through, everything it's experienced, all the hurt, all the happiness...it still wants one thing. One person.
Is it possible to give the heart what it wants? I think so... but it's not going to be easy.
~~ Northern Star
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I don't want to......
What happens when someone comes in and out of your life numerous times? I've been going back and forth with this for too damn long, and am still so hopeful that we will get our time to make it all right.
I don't want to be the girl that reads into everything.
I don't want to be the girl that gets played for a fool again.
I don't want to be the girl that you can keep going back to ...
When it doesn't work with someone else....
Because you know I'm going to be here..
Because I'm the hopeful one. I'm the one that's holding onto something that I don't even knows exists.
I'm the one holding it for that one true love.... And at the same point in time, I'm holding out for you. I'm not ready to move on, or forward, but maybe I would be eventually.
I just don't want to be the second choice.
°° Northern Star **
Monday, May 6, 2013
Heartache
I wonder why we always put ourselves in certain situations, with certain people, doing certain things. I have had my fair share of heartache, and have pretty much been to rock bottom and back more times that someone my age should even have the opportunity to.
A few weeks back, I thought, for a good 24 hours, that maybe something was finally going to go right. I've been asked not to blog about this person, but I don't really care, I will just omit the lovely nickname. Trying to make life decisions long-distance is hard. You think you make a good call, and are making decisions towards the right thing but then SMACK just like that you are rejected via a very popular social media site. Wow. Seriously, what kind of person does that? Oh yeah. I know the kind..all too well.
Truthfully though, even with that happening, I still think about him. Everyday. It sucks...my heart misses him, but my brain knows better. And I thought that not after not having contact for a few weeks, I would be fine and starting to let this go. That's a lie. Getting a message today, made me smile. Made my heart happy. Made my brain say Ryanne...don't fall for this shit again.
Now I'm in this weird state-of-mind, wondering what is going through his head. Wondering why he made contact... most likely because he is single again. Yes, actually I'm 100% sure that's why. I'm the girl that is always there. The girl that can't let go. The girl that has always said "it's a strong possibility he's number 5." How many times do you let your heart be jerked around and trampled on before enough is enough. I told myself, and friends, that this was the last straw. If he can't come to Minnesota, then we have to be over... no more bullshit, no more dragging this out.
Well unfortunately, for me, my heart won't let me let go. Like it's just hopelessly waiting for this magical moment when it all clicks and falls into place and the puzzle is complete.
My heart is not smart. It falls in love with everyone.... but this love is different.
A few weeks back, I thought, for a good 24 hours, that maybe something was finally going to go right. I've been asked not to blog about this person, but I don't really care, I will just omit the lovely nickname. Trying to make life decisions long-distance is hard. You think you make a good call, and are making decisions towards the right thing but then SMACK just like that you are rejected via a very popular social media site. Wow. Seriously, what kind of person does that? Oh yeah. I know the kind..all too well.
Truthfully though, even with that happening, I still think about him. Everyday. It sucks...my heart misses him, but my brain knows better. And I thought that not after not having contact for a few weeks, I would be fine and starting to let this go. That's a lie. Getting a message today, made me smile. Made my heart happy. Made my brain say Ryanne...don't fall for this shit again.
Now I'm in this weird state-of-mind, wondering what is going through his head. Wondering why he made contact... most likely because he is single again. Yes, actually I'm 100% sure that's why. I'm the girl that is always there. The girl that can't let go. The girl that has always said "it's a strong possibility he's number 5." How many times do you let your heart be jerked around and trampled on before enough is enough. I told myself, and friends, that this was the last straw. If he can't come to Minnesota, then we have to be over... no more bullshit, no more dragging this out.
Well unfortunately, for me, my heart won't let me let go. Like it's just hopelessly waiting for this magical moment when it all clicks and falls into place and the puzzle is complete.
My heart is not smart. It falls in love with everyone.... but this love is different.
But, Is it love?
~~Love from Midwest - Northern Star
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I am Enough
Just a little inspiration for all the ladies today!
Sending my love from the North
~northern star
Monday, April 8, 2013
Dating. A horrible thing
Dating. I am 27...almost 28 and dating. Well I guess not really dating but we will get to that in a little bit. So dating is this difficult, weird, awkward fun but not fun thing that 20 somethings are supposed to do. Well, let me tell you it sucks. Mostly for me because I am not easily captured...or maybe I don't want to be? That's the question.
Back story: I've been single for almost two years now. I had a wild crazy fun year in Georgia...didn't "date," just had a lot of fun being single and in a completely new environment. Now, back in Minnesota, I'm beginning to realize that I am not getting any younger.. would like to have kids one day, a good hearted man to come home to, and to be that someone for someone else. I'll have my fairy tale one day. No doubt about it. However, I'm not sure if I want all of it now..or just when I get lonely or what the deal is. I enjoy being single, doing what I want whenever I want, meeting new people, flirting, and asking a random guy at the gym out for a drink when I feel like it (he had a girlfriend...go figure it's how my life works.)
More seriously, I have contemplated this whole concept of dating for a while. Self-help books have been involved, God and prayer have been involved, lengthy conversations with my best friends have been involved but with no end result except for this one thing. Mr.NattyLight.
Mr.NattyLight is always on my mind. When I first moved back to Minnesota, I reconnected with someone from right after I was separated to catch up and see where things were at. We had a great time, good conversation and I was geniuinly happy to see him. After, I sat in the parking lot, in my car and all I wanted was to be with Mr.NattyLight.
Next...a coffee date with an engineer. Nice guy and it went well, but I was clearly going to be way too much for him to handle. Never talked again. On my way to meet him I saw a license plate with Mr.NattyLight's name. (Yes, I believe in signs get over it.)
Was supposed to go on a date this past Sunday night. He couldn't make a decision as to what to do..I got bored and said we should just try for another time. Haven't heard from him since...yeah it's only Monday but whatever. Honestly, this happens more times than not. I just can't seem to find anyone to keep my attention long enough.
Needless to say, I might be my own cockblocker, actually I am positive that I am. Simply for the fact that my fairytale could very well be living 1000 miles away, in lowcountry South Carolina. As much as I want him to not be on my mind all the time, he is. Being far away is hard. The unknown is worse. The waiting for something and someone to finally give in and make something happen is even worse. I'm not going to lie.. he's a total ass sometimes, we bicker all the time, but he teaches me something new every time we talk, lets me sing loud in his truck, took me down a Georgia dirt road so I could see the cotton fields and take pictures of the sunset, AND...and even took me to the Wal-Mart to people watch. Pretty sure this man knows me better than I know myself. But does he love me like I love him? It's possible. We might just both be too stubborn for each other. If you have ever seen the move The Notebook.. I would relate our relationship to Noah and Allie.
Dating is weird. It's weird because you don't want to meet someone in the bar, online dating is sketchy as fuck, people try to set you up but they never pan out, and asking gym employees out gets you a big fat rejection. There are rules and regulations, and every person in their twenties needs some sort of manual for dating. Do you text or not text? Call or not call? How long do you talk before you meet? How to prevent a catfish scenario. What questions do you ask on a date? How to turn a first date into a second date. OH MY GOODNESS.... it's so overwhelming. At least in high school there are people all around and you get to know them in a social, non-alcohol induced environment. Real world dating sucks. Straight up sucks.
At the end of the day all anyone wants is to be with someone who makes them a better person. Someone they can take care, someone who will take care of them and who will be there for them. Someone to kiss them on the forehead, and hold hands with while walking down the sidewalk or beach (mostly for me so I don't run into a random tree or bush..I'm a safety hazard) someone to lie next to in bed and stay up all night talking about nonsense or dreaming up the future. Someone to proud of and show off and say that they are yours and you couldn't be happier....
All of that is a lot. A lot to look for in someone. Everything in my gut and heart tells me that I have found that. My brain...my logical, over thinking brain tells me that I can't give into it that easy. I'm just asking for some effort. I want you to want me so bad that it hurts. That living without me would be that hard that you can't and won't do it. I've lost enough in life to know that settling is not an option. I won't go down without a fight and I want to be fought for. Regardless of who is or isn't doing the fighting, Mr.NattyLight is the last and first person I think of pretty much everyday.
So back to this dating thing....
~Northern Star
Back story: I've been single for almost two years now. I had a wild crazy fun year in Georgia...didn't "date," just had a lot of fun being single and in a completely new environment. Now, back in Minnesota, I'm beginning to realize that I am not getting any younger.. would like to have kids one day, a good hearted man to come home to, and to be that someone for someone else. I'll have my fairy tale one day. No doubt about it. However, I'm not sure if I want all of it now..or just when I get lonely or what the deal is. I enjoy being single, doing what I want whenever I want, meeting new people, flirting, and asking a random guy at the gym out for a drink when I feel like it (he had a girlfriend...go figure it's how my life works.)
More seriously, I have contemplated this whole concept of dating for a while. Self-help books have been involved, God and prayer have been involved, lengthy conversations with my best friends have been involved but with no end result except for this one thing. Mr.NattyLight.
Mr.NattyLight is always on my mind. When I first moved back to Minnesota, I reconnected with someone from right after I was separated to catch up and see where things were at. We had a great time, good conversation and I was geniuinly happy to see him. After, I sat in the parking lot, in my car and all I wanted was to be with Mr.NattyLight.
Next...a coffee date with an engineer. Nice guy and it went well, but I was clearly going to be way too much for him to handle. Never talked again. On my way to meet him I saw a license plate with Mr.NattyLight's name. (Yes, I believe in signs get over it.)
Was supposed to go on a date this past Sunday night. He couldn't make a decision as to what to do..I got bored and said we should just try for another time. Haven't heard from him since...yeah it's only Monday but whatever. Honestly, this happens more times than not. I just can't seem to find anyone to keep my attention long enough.
Needless to say, I might be my own cockblocker, actually I am positive that I am. Simply for the fact that my fairytale could very well be living 1000 miles away, in lowcountry South Carolina. As much as I want him to not be on my mind all the time, he is. Being far away is hard. The unknown is worse. The waiting for something and someone to finally give in and make something happen is even worse. I'm not going to lie.. he's a total ass sometimes, we bicker all the time, but he teaches me something new every time we talk, lets me sing loud in his truck, took me down a Georgia dirt road so I could see the cotton fields and take pictures of the sunset, AND...and even took me to the Wal-Mart to people watch. Pretty sure this man knows me better than I know myself. But does he love me like I love him? It's possible. We might just both be too stubborn for each other. If you have ever seen the move The Notebook.. I would relate our relationship to Noah and Allie.
Dating is weird. It's weird because you don't want to meet someone in the bar, online dating is sketchy as fuck, people try to set you up but they never pan out, and asking gym employees out gets you a big fat rejection. There are rules and regulations, and every person in their twenties needs some sort of manual for dating. Do you text or not text? Call or not call? How long do you talk before you meet? How to prevent a catfish scenario. What questions do you ask on a date? How to turn a first date into a second date. OH MY GOODNESS.... it's so overwhelming. At least in high school there are people all around and you get to know them in a social, non-alcohol induced environment. Real world dating sucks. Straight up sucks.
At the end of the day all anyone wants is to be with someone who makes them a better person. Someone they can take care, someone who will take care of them and who will be there for them. Someone to kiss them on the forehead, and hold hands with while walking down the sidewalk or beach (mostly for me so I don't run into a random tree or bush..I'm a safety hazard) someone to lie next to in bed and stay up all night talking about nonsense or dreaming up the future. Someone to proud of and show off and say that they are yours and you couldn't be happier....
All of that is a lot. A lot to look for in someone. Everything in my gut and heart tells me that I have found that. My brain...my logical, over thinking brain tells me that I can't give into it that easy. I'm just asking for some effort. I want you to want me so bad that it hurts. That living without me would be that hard that you can't and won't do it. I've lost enough in life to know that settling is not an option. I won't go down without a fight and I want to be fought for. Regardless of who is or isn't doing the fighting, Mr.NattyLight is the last and first person I think of pretty much everyday.
So back to this dating thing....
~Northern Star
Friday, April 5, 2013
Failed attempt # 1
A letter to Mr.NattyLight... He's been on my mind hard lately. This letter has been wanting to get into paper for a while now... But there is So much on my mind combined with my toddler attention span and anxiety... It's a fucking disaster.. So this is failed attempt number One.
Feelings are hard to express when you have so many. So I'll make another attempt at the letter another time.
Love y'all ~~Northern Star
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