When the heart wants...

How long do you allow a battle in your heart to go on? My heart wants what it wants... it has for the past year. Everything it's been through, everything it's experienced, all the hurt, all the happiness...it still wants one thing. One person.

Is it possible to give the heart what it wants? I think so... but it's not going to be easy.

~~ Northern Star

I don't want to......

What happens when someone comes in and out of your life numerous times? I've been going back and forth with this for too damn long, and am still so hopeful that we will get our time to make it all right.

I don't want to be the girl that reads into everything.

I don't want to be the girl that gets played for a fool again.

I don't want to be the girl that you can keep going back to ...
When it doesn't work with someone else....
Because you know I'm going to be here..

Because I'm the hopeful one. I'm the one that's holding onto something that I don't even knows exists.

I'm the one holding it for that one true love.... And at the same point in time, I'm holding out for you. I'm not ready to move on, or forward, but maybe I would be eventually.

I just don't want to be the second choice.

°° Northern Star **

Heartache

I wonder why we always put ourselves in certain situations, with certain people, doing certain things. I have had my fair share of heartache, and have pretty much been to rock bottom and back more times that someone my age should even have the opportunity to. 

A few weeks back, I thought, for a good 24 hours, that maybe something was finally going to go right. I've been asked not to blog about this person, but I don't really care, I will just omit the lovely nickname. Trying to make life decisions long-distance is hard. You think you make a good call, and are making decisions towards the right thing but then SMACK just like that you are rejected via a very popular social media site. Wow. Seriously, what kind of person does that? Oh yeah. I know the kind..all too well. 

Truthfully though, even with that happening, I still think about him. Everyday. It sucks...my heart misses him, but my brain knows better. And I thought that not after not having contact for a few weeks, I would be fine and starting to let this go. That's a lie. Getting a message today, made me smile. Made my heart happy. Made my brain say Ryanne...don't fall for this shit again. 

Now I'm in this weird state-of-mind, wondering what is going through his head. Wondering why he made contact... most likely because he is single again. Yes, actually I'm 100% sure that's why. I'm the girl that is always there. The girl that can't let go. The girl that has always said "it's a strong possibility he's number 5." How many times do you let your heart be jerked around and trampled on before enough is enough. I told myself, and friends, that this was the last straw. If he can't come to Minnesota, then we have to be over... no more bullshit, no more dragging this out. 

Well unfortunately, for me, my heart won't let me let go. Like it's just hopelessly waiting for this magical moment when it all clicks and falls into place and the puzzle is complete. 

My heart is not smart. It falls in love with everyone.... but this love is different. 

But, Is it love?  

~~Love from Midwest - Northern Star